1001    

The choice of gun-toting rednecks.

Where do we send the money?

The Coroner's Office
 
 
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.  
 
Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."  
 
"Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."  
 
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"  
 
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Redneck from West Virginia, 30, struck by lightning."  
 
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.  
 
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

That's me  
 
 
Wally's Wedding Night Thursday
 
 
 
At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
 
After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
 
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it.....Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action. And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.  I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.' Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......'You mean I've been here already?'

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?"  
 
they shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,  
 
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down  
 
'why'? The worker yelled back,  
"Cos his missus is here with his lunch"

Job at the FBI  
 
 
 
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.  
 
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;  
Two men and a woman.
 
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
 
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
 
 
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
 
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
 
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was auiet for about 5 minutes.
 
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
 
 
 
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, aanging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.  
 
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
 
 

Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.  
 
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.  
 
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
 
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."
 
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
 
"Denise," says the doctor.
 
The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
 
"Denephew."

The Pope and Tiger woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hel_l and Tiger Woods went to heaven.
 
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hel_l, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
 
Next day the Pope is called and hel_l's staff bids him farewell.
 
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.
 
"Sorry about the mix up", apologises the Pope
 
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods
 
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"
 
Tiger: "Why is that?"
 
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
 
Tiger: "You're a day late."

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.  
 
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."  
 
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."  
 
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:  
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"  
 
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."  
 
The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome."  
 
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."  
 
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."  
 
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."  
 
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"  
 
The old man said, "I thought it was a fart - but I was wrong, too!"  
 

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to  
 
ask her a few questions....  
 
Officer: What's 2+2?  
 
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!  
 
Officer: What's the square root of 100?  
 
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!  
 
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?  
 
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.  
 
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.  
 
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got  
 
the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already
 
working on a murder case!"